SMOKE: Robot Sex
Originally published: 20 April 2005
Did you ever see that movie A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, directed by Stephen Spielberg? If so you may remember Jude Law's character - a Love Mecha called Gigolo Joe.
A Love Mecha in the movie is a robot built exclusively to grant sexual pleasures, and Joe's sole function is to give women mindblowingly good sex. Apparently he's really, really good at it, as you would be if you were designed for that purpose alone.
He's a walking, talking, intelligent robot and at a stretch you could imagine yourself having sex with him (well - I couldn't, but I'm sure a few frustrated birdies could) and believing it was with a real man.
Seems unreal, right? But I don't believe it's too far a stretch of the imagination for a few hundred years' time, and it would certainly be a lot safer than sex with flesh and blood men. Better, as well.
There are female versions for the blokes, of course, and it offers that future world a really viable sexual alternative. No backchat, no rolling over and snoring afterwards, no unreasonable sexual demands, no panty fetishes - just a willing sexual partner who looks and feels exactly like a human and who will do whatever you want him to do - only better. Whenever suits you.
We'll go that way in the future, I believe, particularly with the continual spread of infectious, sexually-transmitted diseases like HIV/AIDS.
We won't dispense with each other entirely - humans need human contact - but there are enough folks in the world who just ain't getting any and who would probably jump at the chance to get some regular, quality sex.
Even if it's with a Love Mecha. 'Specially if it's Jude Law.
Mind you - it's happening already, albeit on a slightly less sophisticated scale. Sexual toys like dildos, vibrators, blow-up dolls and handheld vaginas are all the rage amongst the frustrated masses and if their continued sales are anything to go by it seems more than a few folks don't mind a bit of synthetic pleasure.
Enter Michael Harriman - a German inventor from Nuremberg who claims to have invented "the world's most sophisticated robot sex doll", according to Ananova.com.
The dude has developed a sex android he says is so lifelike and realistic you'll have a hard time distinguishing it from a real person - a claim almost as fantastic as his project.
He told Ananova: "They are almost impossible to distinguish from the real thing, but I am still developing improvements and I will only be happy when what I have is better than the real thing."
The sex robots obviously don't walk and talk like Gigolo Joe, but they are covered in a silicon skin and have a 'heart' that beats faster during sex.
With a remote control you can get your robot to wiggle her hips suggestively and make other sexy movements and not only do they breathe harder as they get more physical but they also have internal heaters that raise their 'body' temperature while their feet stay cold.
"Just like in real life", says Harriman.
They'll cost you in the region of R45,000 which many would argue is far cheaper and more rewarding than wining and dining and courting a woman in order to get her to give you one half-decent shag before refusing you sex forever more.
If the doll really is as good as Harriman says it is I would expect it to sell pretty well. Lotta frustrated geezers out there - just take a look around the Internet for confirmation.
It's perfect for blokes who want sex but no emotional attachments, which is pretty much most blokes. She won't giggle when you produce Little Peter, she won't cry when she has an orgasm, she won't ask you if you love her just before you're about to orgasm and she'll shut up when you need her to. She'll also have sex with you as often as you want.
And she sure as hell won't ask you to hang the washing out, or take your feet off the couch.
It's the future, and it's here.
There's only one problem, as far as I can see: you'd have to be a complete and utter loser to buy one.
I've never understood the attraction of sex dolls - those O-mouthed pieces of plastic that only a complete space cadet could get turned on by. I understand sexual frustration and the need for a quick one without any ties, but I'd take my chances with myself anyday over one of those poppies.
Clearly people who buy them don't have any imagination, nor are they grossed out by having to clean plastic orifices of their own sexual emissions.
By all accounts the new robot doll is a far superior model to those old ones, but I'm afraid they're still nothing more than personal Stepford Wives. Good little girls you can control with your remote. In short - a male fantasy come true: sex-on-demand with a remote control. Could there be greater bliss?
You betcha. Oh - you betcha.
See - I like a pair of nails scraping down my back. I enjoy unpredictability in bed. I love the sexual scent of a woman and a post-orgasmic red flush across my lover's breasts and neck.
I like being able to be aggressive when she wants it, tame when she doesn't, dominant when she's been a bad girl and submissive when she feels a need to exert her sexual power.
I love her moans of pleasure, the stiffening of her legs as she approaches orgasm, the arching of her back as she reaches it and staring into her eyes as I do unimaginably bad things to her.
I love the fact that she's human, because my sexual union with her makes me feel human too. Weakened legs, a pulse rate through the roof and a relaxation of the mind and body.
Don't get that with a robot. All you get is every man's worst nightmare - a sack of cold potatoes who lies there waiting for you to be done so she can get back to reading her copy of Mega Mecha Annual, August, 2135 AD.
Maybe that works for some okes. Not for me.
All Smoked Out,