SMOKE: My Island Fantasy
Originally published: 3 December 2004
I've always dreamed of owning an island. I've written about it many times before. But you would have to be a real oldie - from before the days of The Daily Smoke (which only began in January 2003) - to remember what I want to do on that island.
Before I worked full time on TT I only used to post on the old forums, which are sadly no longer in existence. I told a lot of my stories there and many of those have now been lost. I've tried as far as possible to remember them all and capture them in this column and I believe most have been retrieved.
I've written about the island before in the Daily Smoke, but never my Formula One fantasy that goes with it. The only time I've ever mentioned the F1 fantasy was back on those old forums in 2001/2, so if you weren't around then - here it is.
Did I really have to explain all that? I don't know. Would folks who have heard the story before have required an explanation as to why I am writing it again or would they pretty much have got it, rendering the explanation useless and a complete waste of time and column space?
How does a sewing machine work? What is God? Way too many questions for a Friday.
It works like this:
Assuming I can raise the R30-million required to purchase a Caribbean island and stock it out with finery and running water, the first thing I would do is apportion a huge field for my marijuana plantation. That's a given and I don't require arguments.
But my real fantasy is to build 18 scale versions of actual formula one racing tracks and have exact scale model replicas of the current cars and teams. Radio-controlled, of course.
Once a year I would invite 20 selected guest racers to my island (I can't see anyone more than once a year - I need my privacy as any good, honest farmer does), and we would spend a weekend racing all 18 tracks in a miniaturised, concentrated version of a grand prix season.
There would be 10 teams of 2 - one would be the 'driver' and the other the team boss, which means there would be 10 miniature formula one cars racing around exact replica tracks of the ones their big brothers do.
Tiny cameras would be mounted on the cars in cool and groovy places and being a wealthy bastard I'd hire a live race director to bring all the camera action to a giant screen. I would then invite a few hundred cool and groovy people to come and watch the action live and have a weekend-long party to the sounds of summer.
The cameras would provide great action for viewers, but they would serve another purpose. With 10 cars racing around a track it can get difficult to control your car, so a front-mounted camera would give you a Playstation view, projected onto each team's personal screen.
The driver would thus not actually watch the track - he would control his car by driving it on-screen, as though he were playing a racing game.
Why not just play a racing game then, you ask? Because you wouldn't have live cars and live action, my friend. Imagine tiny cameras on the side, front, top and back of a radio-controlled car, projected onto a huge screen in the middle of a marijuana plantation.
Yup - that's what I thought. Brilliant.
Once the day's racing was done everyone would head down to the beach for a party island-style, and by island-style I mean loads of exquisite girls in thongs who don't believe an innocently exposed breast or two is worse than, say, murder.
There would be trays full of narcotics, some rum, a reggae band, the azure waves of the Caribbean lapping at the shore and the night sky a-twinkle with a billion stars.
Beats sitting at home in Claremont while the dog slowly gasses me to death. Beats that by a long shot.
All Smoked Out,