SMOKE: How To Have Fun This Christmas
Originally published: 15 December 2005
This is the last Daily Smoke of 2005 and just as in years previously I'm going to slip into my Santa gear, fire up a Bad Boy and divulge my own personal secrets on how to extract the maximum amount of personal pleasure, gain and benefit from the Christmas holidays.
It's been a hard year for me. I've struggled in the second half of the year to keep writing after three years of daily columns, and the only consolation I've had in recent times is that the TT bloggers are starting to find out just how difficult it is.
Pain is always better if there are others sharing it with you.
I seriously considered dropping the Smoke, almost did but then fired up for the final stretch to the end of the year, which is where I am now.
To tide you over until we meet again here are my Bad Santa tips for how to have fun this Christmas.
1. Steal from the rich
Robin Hood got it wrong, you know. What's the point in stealing from the rich then giving it all to the poor? It's bad financial management, if you ask me.
If you're going to go to the trouble of fighting Sheriffs and shit with pointy swords and other awkward, pokey-type instruments, at least be sure you spend the cash wisely. Taking a handful of gold lifted from the Sheriff's coffers and simply handing it to the oke begging for alms at the forest crossroads is not going to help anyone, least of all yourself.
By all means take him under your wing and teach him the value of an honest day's work, but simply giving him your hard-earned cash will leave you poorer and him with an exacerbated alcohol problem.
Don't think I don't know what goes on down there in Sherwood Forest, dude - I've got my eye on you okes.
Here's the thing: everyone thinks Christmas is about giving. It's not. It's about receiving, and even stealing.
When you were a kid, what did you do on Christmas morning? Rush through to the lounge to gaze in excitement at the gifts you were giving, or feverishly turn over labels to find out which ones were addressed to you?
We all know the answer, my friends.
And we all know that kids are as honest as it gets, right? Young children are not restricted by societal etiquette and that's why kids say the darndest things.
So if a young child is so flipping honest surely we should be taking our cue from ourselves when we were but nippers? Our instinct was far stronger to receive than to give, and at heart that's what our inner children still want.
So don't be a big fat bleeding-arse hypocrite this Christmas - admit you love getting more than you love giving, and if you aren't getting any then steal it. From the rich. They've got insurance.
2. Mess with the nativity
Dunno about you, but when I was growing up our family had an entire nativity ritual each year. We had (and my family still has) an old wooden inn with all the nativity figurines in porcelain - Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, the shepherds, the three kings and a whole bunch of sheep and other appropriate fauna.
We also had a little red robin that sat on a perch in the rafters - it was a pretty idyllic scene.
It worked in stages as well. First there would be Mary and Joseph alone, then on Christmas morning the shepherds and baby Jesus would have magically appeared, all hovering around the crib. The red robin would be on his perch, heralding the newborn.
The kings, however, only arrived historically two weeks later. So the three kings - each of them carrying their respective gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh - would be sitting on the other side of the room on the mantelpiece, for example, and each day of that week they would edge a little closer until on January 6 - Epiphany - they would arrive at the nativity scene.
My parents were very careful to make the religious side of the whole time more important than the gift-giving and excess that typifies the holidays.
I must say - I used to love that ritual. But that was then.
It's all very solemn, you see, and I believe Christmas needs to get a little lighter. So my suggestion to those of you with nativity scenes in your homes would be to shake up the establishment a little. Cause a nativity stir and some fun and games on Christmas morning.
My suggestion would be replacing the white baby Jesus with a black one. Perhaps a little revolutionary, I know, and no doubt grave blasphemy, but that's not all - if you really want to test faith why not leave Mary and Joseph white?
It's just a suggestion. I'm not saying anything. I mean - Jesus was divinely conceived, right? And God isn't a racist, is he? So he wouldn't have a problem with the theory, would he?
I just want some fun this Christmas. I am Bad Santa after all.
3. Buy on credit
You know what? Worry about it later. Seriously. Everyone's always giving you 'good advice' about holiday spending, most of which includes trite little warnings about using your credit cards too much.
Bollocks. If you can get a credit card - or already have one - go mad. There'll be hell to pay next year but at least you can have a fantastic Christmas.
Life is never all just good times - there are plenty of bad times too. So why not save those bad times until January and ensure that the rest of your December is spent lavishing gifts upon yourself and generally being excessive and decadent?
All this thrifty nonsense gives me a pain in the nuts - squirrelling away bits and bobs for a better bloody day that never bloody comes.
If you do that you simply have an even sort of half-good / half-bad time - with my credit suggestion you have one almighty bloody good time, followed by an almighty kak one.
At least you got one good time, though. And a PVR. And a radio-controlled car. And a sixie of undies from Woolworths. You dig?
Don't be selfless and kind and sickeningly sweet this Christmas - be a bad motherfucker and have the time of your wretched life.
And I'll see you back here in January, you crazy kids.
As my last act as Bad Santa I offer kisses (and a quick grope) for the ladies and a firm, uncompromising, look-you-in-the-eyes handshake for the gents.
Over, and - bloody hell, finally - out.
All Smoked Out,