SMOKE: Free Porn For Staff
Originally published: 28 May 2004
I've worked in enough corporate environments to know that perks make all the difference to someone counting the years to 65, and that when a hardworking staff complement does not get perks they tend to be less motivated.
I think companies still struggle to understand that giving someone a morning off just for the hell of it, or ordering your staff home early on the occasional Friday, does not equate to loss of productivity.
If you're not working all the time you're losing them money, and time off means time lost. Naturally time is money, therefore giving an employee a break for no particular reason will no doubt bring their business to its knees and force radical retrenchments and general cutbacks.
They don't seem to appreciate that when you lighten the load on your staff it gives them extra incentive to start afresh, and that in the long run productivity will be increased.
If you force someone to work all day every day it stands to reason that they will find ways of slacking off in order to lighten the burden on themselves - and that certainly equates to loss of productivity.
We all know that one of the biggest Internet industries is pornography, and it's not just fat men at home getting greasy in the study. The reason it's so huge is because office workers the world over log in and zone out, and the sheer weight of numbers suggest that the vast majority of males enjoy their porn, in between balancing books and flirting with the office slapper.
A company in Denmark now offers free porn subscriptions to its staff as one of the perks of the job, and the director - one Levi Nielsen - reckons porn is as natural a perk as a company car or a free phone.
It will cost the company in the region of R40 per head per week and Nielsen believes it will result in a more happy, relaxed and efficient staff. His only proviso is that in return all porn sites are blocked during working hours.
You can't argue that it isn't a novel approach.
Can't say it's without its problems, though - if you can't have your porn at work you have to enjoy it at home, and t'missus might have a word or two to say about that.
Wives and girlfriends and stuff aren't always as enthused as their male partners when it comes to titles like Euro Gang-Sluts VII, Sushi Girls #24 - Stir Fry Snatch, Beverly Hills 9021-Ho, or Moulin Splooge.
They prefer actors like Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Colin Farrell to ones like Miles Long, Dirk Diggler and Cap'n Stabbin'. There's just no accounting for taste.
Also - plenty of people find porn distasteful, and then you get those who believe it to be amoral. I wonder how those folks sleep at night knowing that roughly 80 percent of the male population of the world is amoral?
Still - if it's not your thing, or you find it degrading to women, or it offends your sensibilities - then it really isn't all that appropriate as a work perk.
But what really impresses me about Nielsen's innovation is not the fact that it's porn - it's the fact that he has suspended all moral judgement of the people who work for him, and that in itself is reason enough to send the man your CV.
I can understand a boss not wanting his staff to spend his time on the Internet, but when he gives them Internet access but blocks porn then he is making a definite moral judgement.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's judgmental people, particularly when their judgements are moral-based.
If the majority of people use the Internet for porn then it stands to reason that the vast numbers of very fine, upstanding, good, moral citizens of the world have enjoyed their fair share of it as well.
It's not just the stereotypes who get their kicks from porn - the pimpled teenage geeks in their filthy hovels they call bedrooms, the 45-year old balding geezers who pretend they're 17-year old lesbian girls, or the dark, brooding pain-slaves who get their kicks from cannibalism and chains.
It's also the good family man, the loving husband, the devoted boyfriend and the saintly priest as well.
If so many people all over the world enjoy so much porn, then surely moral judgements against it are merely hypocritical? Or are all bosses the world over anti-porn?
Of course - it goes a lot deeper than simply bosses. There are corporate identities and brands to be protected and porn sure doesn't help credibility.
Which means that the world of business is based upon hypocrisy and double standards, but then - you didn't really need a story about a Danish boss and his porn-loving staff to work that one out, did you?
I'm not suggesting all companies the world over start handing out copies of Deep Throat and Barnyard Fun With Bob Mugabe to new employees on their very first day, nor that they install peepshow booths and live sex theatres where once there were boardrooms, nor that they enter groundbreaking new partnerships and strategic alliances with Kleenex.
But at least give your staff access to The Daily Smoke. It won't corrupt their beautiful minds. Much.
All Smoked Out,