SMOKE: Email To God
Originally published: 18 February 2004
I read an Associated Press report yesterday about a new service that exists in the holy city of Jerusalem.
Jews have always been able to write messages to God which they post in the crevices of the Wailing Wall, and now a service has started which allows Jews to send their messages via email, which the company will print out and post in the wall for them.
The idea, of course, is that Jews worldwide will now be able to send their messages, which is helpful if you can't make the journey to Jerusalem.
Fair enough. If I was a Jew with a burning desire to have my note put in the Wailing Wall, I'd make use of the service. Not as personal as being there, but a fine substitute nonetheless.
But what tickled me about the whole thing was the concept of sending off an email to God. I'm thinking Gary Larson God here, of course - the one who had a portable Earth-making set as a kid.
I wondered about God and email. Since God is the Ultimate BigWig he's gotta have email, and I for one know that he's something of an attachment-opener - I got sent the MyDoom virus from what looked suspiciously like God's address book (everyone in the world was in there).
Must drop him a note about that and recommend he update his virus definitions and leave off opening attachments from unknown recipients.
I decided - since God is an accepting, open-minded, loving sort of bloke - that I was just as entitled to send him an email as any other, and to be honest - I have a couple of issues I need some closure on with the guy.
Here's the mail I've sent him (cc'd to Jesus and the spooky dude in the corner):
Luke here. Hah! You knew that before I said it, didn't you? In fact - you know everything I'm about to say, which is seriously freaking me out. Is this email therefore pointless? Can you give me some sort of sign?
*Mouse freezes. BSOD. Shut down. Scandisk. Reconnect.*
Sneaky. But credit where credit is due, eh? That stunt is hardly original - Bill Gates came up with it a decade ago.
I was looking more for the thunder and lightning type stuff - you know - the finger pointing down from the clouds, the booming voice ... you know, man - the whole "God" bit. That pillar of salt scenario. Twelve horsemen of the Apocalypse. The good stuff.
Blue Screen Of Death isn't a sign, it's simply a bloody annoyance. Excuse my language, guy, but it's the fourth time today.
Anyways - how ya been? I'm fine, thanks - a little fat on pain and a little thin on cash, but getting by, getting by.
Here's my question - you know how down here confusion reigns supreme? I'm referring to the inability of your ... er ... subjects to reach consensus on whether you exist, in what form you exist, why you exist, whether Jesus was really your sprog or whether he was a prophet or a wise man or simply some bloke who got involved in something way over his head and had lies printed about him by the world media in an orgy of misunderstanding and petty squabbling, and whether or not you are Allah and vice versa, and how Buddha and Beelzebub all fit in, and whether or not Adam and Eve is simply a fable or whether they were real (and where does this place Charles Darwin?), and if you meant us to understand that Jesus really did have a recipe for turning water into wine or whether you simply meant that Jesus was a cool bloke to have around at a student party when the last Black Labels had been drunk and all you have left is water.
Sorry - just trying to clarify what I mean by confusion.
Back to my question - considering all this confusion, what would you say to the idea of popping down here (in whatever form you like - maybe send the Ghost, whatever) and telling us once and for all just what the hel- oops, sorry ... what the devi- no, bugger ... uh ... what in Go- oh, no ... um ... what in the name of Sweaty Bleeding Harry is going on?
Why all the cloak and dagger shit? Why not just come out with it - tell us what's what and who's who, give us a list of requirements that must be met in order to be considered as a citizen of heaven when we die, and clear up once and for all whether or not punching the air over your left shoulder really does drive the devil away.
See - we're idiots (haha - joke's on you, guy - lol@God), and as has been proven so many times in life - choice spoils the child.
You've allowed everyone to go off and form religions and stuff which are different to the one I learned about as a child (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing - shows you're a modern sort of bloke and good for a laff), but it's gone beyond a joke now.
It's all very well giving people the ability to make their own choices, but when they turn out to be idiots and abuse that choice by making up other religions and then fighting with everyone about it, someone has to step in and sort the situation out.
I'd love to, but for starters nobody every really listens to me anyway and secondly I'm pretty tied up now between work on the site and the occasional trip to Little Odessa.
But you - you carry clout, dude. And it's well within your capabilities - if you can handle a million people praying to you all at the same time, you could surely reciprocate with a broadcast to humanity? Shut everything down for a few minutes, be all omnipresent and stuff, get that big ol' voice booming and make like Dr Phil and tell it like it is.
Then there'll be no more confusion, no more religious wars, no more suicide bombers, no more priest paedophiles (although - it's not like they have any respect for you now anyway, so maybe they'll be around until the end of time), no more planes crashing into skyscrapers, no more misunderstanding, no more ignorance, no more war, no more lies.
If none of this seems to be a problem to you, try putting yourself in our shoes for one day. There's a lot that's good in this world, but there's a shit-stack more that's not, and I really can't see why it would be a problem for you to just come on down and sort us out.
That's pretty much it, really. Oh - one last thing (you simply gotta help me out with this one):
You know how when there's like, say, two million people watching a major international sporting event? One million support the one side and one million support the other.
Now - working on the premise that all of them believe in you and that all of them are praying to you for their respective side to win - how do you choose which side wins?
That one's always killed me.
Another example - one farmer wants rain and his neighbour wants shine. Both get down on their knees with their families one night and pray to you to grant them their wishes. How do you choose? Do you compromise and come up with a Monkey's Wedding? How does it work?
The reason I ask is that when I was young and used to pray to you I remember praying that one day I'd be rich. I want to know who the bastard is who was praying against me, and why you listened to him and not me.
Well - let me know re the God Explains All scenario, and let's see if we can come up with a working model.
BTW - can you tell when I'm talking to my wife but thinking about Britney? Oh - and can your dead relatives see what you're doing in the privacy of your office cubicle? A friend of mine wants to know.
Gotto dash - been great catching up. Hope you get this email - it's been 20 years and you still haven't replied to my last.
Whenever you have a mo.
PS - check the attached JPG. Did some Photoshop work on a pic of the Shroud of Turin, and instead of your son's face it now bears a striking resemblance to Osama. Heh - thought you'd have a good laugh. Where is he, by the way? Osama, not Jesus.
But enough. OKbye.
This email, and the attachment, is confidential. If you have received it in error, then please delete it from your system, do not use or disclose the information in any way (although you can, guy - technically you can do anything and nobody can do a damn thing to stop you, not even some overpaid fat manager who thinks this little disclaimer will cover all his infidelities in a court of law).
Final note: I sent this email off last night, but it was returned to my Outlook inbox this morning, saying that the recipient did not exist. It's a standard Microsoft system message and therefore my final question is:
Is Bill Gates playing God?
All Smoked Out,