SMOKE: Dangerous Sex

Originally published: 21 February 2003

Police in Alberta, Canada, were extremely worried on Tuesday night. They got a call from a man who said he had been talking to his friend - a 17-year-old woman - on the phone, when she told him someone had just broken into her home.

Then the line went dead and he didn't hear from her again, so naturally he called 911.

The police dispatched to her house but couldn't find her and fearing the worst called in ten SWAT teams to scour the city for her abducted ass.

A routine patrol on the other side of town came across a suspiciously parked car and in the boot they found the girl - naked and trussed up like a turkey - while her abductor waited outside the car.

The girl was rescued and the abductor arrested, but a Problem arose - he didn't want to be arrested and the girl sure as hell didn't want to be rescued.

That's right folks - a good old real life abduction and rape fantasy, gone - it must be said - horribly wrong.

No amount of protests from the pair could stop him being locked up and her sent to hospital for examination, and rightly so.

Remember the cops who returned that Laotian boy to Jeffrey Dahmer after he managed to escape the clutches of the serial killer? The kid was found running naked and bleeding down the high street, and the cops took him back to where he'd escaped from. Dahmer convinced the police it was just a sex game and the kid was returned to his care, and promptly killed and eaten.

But how very, very blind it is for our lovebirds from Alberta.

What I can't understand is why a 17-year old girl would be fantasising about being abducted and raped - surely at 17 you're dreaming through misted eyes of that first love-making session with your strong amour under the trees in a sun-bathed meadow? Or of standing under a waterfall while your Mystery Man gently massages your boobies?

This girl wanted to be violently kidnapped from her house, bound up and chucked into the boot of a filthy car and driven around town to be "raped", no doubt in a less than comfortable fashion. I just find the choice of fantasy odd. But each to their own.

Interestingly I can understand the fantasy from the perspective of being the one abducted, but not from the perspective of the fellow abducting and "raping".

I remember one of my first fantasies involved being abducted by a houseful of women (never one - I've always done things without the slightest hint of moderation), who kept me imprisoned for years and kept me very - uh - busy.

Silly, I know, but I enjoyed it. Unfortunately I was never able to convert it to reality as I grew older, as women just don't go around in extremely sexy, half-naked, man-hungry groups, abducting fellows to give maximum sexual pleasure to.

But I could always dream.

Frankly I've never understood the complex relationship behind pain and humiliation, as a sexual stimulant. You know - folks who put all sorts of nasty things up their bums, suspend themselves from meathooks and crawl around dressed in nappies and licking the boots of leather-clad women while being thrashed and called all sorts of degrading things.

I don't enjoy pain in any form - to me it is Something To Be Avoided At All Costs. I have lived with too much pain in my life for me to enjoy it or encourage it, and it is further from my sex life than Robert Mugabe, who isn't all that close.

But some folks spank each other mercilessly, eat each other's poo, wee all over each other, pretend to be dogs and eat from dog bowls, "rape" each other, torture their nipples with vicious steel clamps, cook their penises and eat them and generally behave as though they hate each other more than the devil himself.

What happened to a good roll in the sack and a pack of fags for afters? Isn't all this thrashing and beating and maiming and killing a rather extreme way to get your kicks?

Life's a lot easier, you know. I dunno. Relax a little, maybe. Indulge your fantasies as you must, but leave off the thrashing and beating and urinating and abducting and raping - take a breather. Have a rest.

Let it go.

All Smoked Out,
Luke Tagg
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