Originally published: Monday 1 September 2003
Have you noticed the upswing in popularity of "lesbianism", or rather how much more acceptable girls kissing girls has become?
Not that it's ever been unacceptable to me, you understand, nor, say - a billion other blokes.
But it's certainly become more mainstream, with the advent of Russian lesbo-shockers TATU and all the way to the Madonna/Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera open-mouthed, tonguey kisses at the MTV Video Music Awards last week.
None of it is true lesbianism. It's simply become cool for girls to kiss girls, as our global society continues on its spiral trend from feminism all the way back to macho, male-pleasing marketing.
Look no further than black American culture, suffused as it is with endless images of homies surrounded by bitchaz in the barest excuses for clothing, who fawn all over them like silly little girls.
Women are referred to as bitches, an entire culture of people proudly wearing Wife Beater t-shirts has been spawned and any advertising that can even have the remotest excuse to show a pert pair of breasts in a seemingly innocuous shot will do so without blinking.
Tits are the great seller - hell - these days even mannikins in stores have nipples in various states and degrees of excitement, whereas not so long ago mannikin breasts were prudently rounded to avoid frightening the morally indignant and poisoning the minds of the untainted, innocent and perhaps even saintly youth.
So when pop icon Madonna comes on stage at a major international awards ceremony and licks the tonsils of the two pretenders to her crown, the odorous whiff of backroom producers and publicists and marketing men and spin doctors and image consultants wafts forth like the rotten sea of decay that it is.
While I interpret marketing and bottom lines in everything I see (right down to my wife, who I suspect may be some campaign to get me to be happy), I sure as hell am not going to bitch about the lovely visuals that were presented by the three pop divas.
I found it extremely sexy, which of course is the desired response, but I have no doubt that none of the above-mentioned lasses were doing it because they suddenly found each other attractive, and discovered new-found passion in places they had never dared to look. No.
I'm sure they'd be the last people to say so. But what the hint is is that Madonna is endorsing the two younger women as her successors and giving them her immense stamp of approval. If Madge kisses Britney, it must mean Britney is a'ight.
MTV gigs always have a big Moment of Controversy, which wrongly gets construed by the media as a "shock", or "irrational behaviour", fuelling the legend of those mad rockers and their bitchas at those insane MTV bashes.
All of which are things that help keep the channel at the cutting edge of popular culture and one which is seen as the authority on rebellion, which in turn directly targets the naturally-tempestuous nature of adolescent teenagers.
If MTV endorses something as being cool you can bet your bottom dollar so do a million kids, and hence the rise in popularity of "girls kissing" websites, pseudo-lesbo-simulated poses which adorn most publications and thousands of schoolgirls in countries around the world who are prepared to "give it a whirl", as such.
And the blokes lap it up, because in their world it's a dream come true.
When we look back in a few years TATU will be seen as the group which introduced lesbo-cool, while Madonna and Friends will be seen as giving it the final stamp of approval.
From here on out you can expect women everywhere to suddenly turn against men, find sapphyic love and understanding in meadows and under waterfalls with others of the same sex, and while all these birds cover the globe in one writhing heap of sensual girl-flesh the blokes will be crammed away in their filthy hovels they call bedrooms, masturbating themselves to madness. All sweaty and sticky and red-faced and straining.
It's a gradual process of reverting to hedonism and one which I have been watching over the last few years. Clothing designers are having a massive influence on global clothing trends and gents clothing is as camp as it's ever been, while women are finding themselves with less and less on.
Boys are kissing boys in music videos, girls are kissing girls and with each new video that pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable to the moral majority - and gets away with it to start a trend - so the next video is aiming to get harder and more controversial than before.
A levelling out has to happen, or in 100 years we'll be getting up to some seriously kinky-ass shit.
But for the time being "lesbians" are "in", and I predict we're going to see lots, lots more of it in the coming years.
Not that I mind, of course - it is extremely important that all women become at least bi-curious - but at the same time I don't like to think that I'm being hoodwinked into buying whatever it is they're trying to sell me.
Although I sure appreciate their efforts.
All Smoked Out,