As disturbingly narcissistic as it seems to be writing a page about myself - you are here reading it, which means you were sufficiently interested in finding out who I am to cut through a billion About Me pages on a billion crap websites in the greater Claremont area alone just to find out more about me.
Which says a whole lot more about you than it does me, I can assure you.
We should rename this page to About You and dedicate it to discussing your problems and your apparent desire to dig up whatever dirt you can on me to use against me in some nasty little stalking-type Internet story gone wrong.
Take your commie bullshit and stuff off, man.
If you really want to know more about me - to fuel whatever unpleasant little things you get up to in your darkened room late at night with nobody but Dead Gran watching - read all 486 Smokes on this site.
That'll tell you about 4% of the story and if you think I'm going to write another 11,000 Smokes to make up the rest you're even more disturbed than my initial impression of you would suggest.
In lieu of all that, here's a quick summary of my vital statistics:
21 August, 1972 (Uitenhage, Eastern Cape)
Cape Town (since 1985)
Uitenhage Convent Schools
Loreto Convent (Pretoria)
Christian Brothers College (Pretoria)
Waldorf School (Pretoria)
Westerford High School (Cape Town)
Performers' Diploma in Speech and Drama (University of Cape Town, 1991-1992)
Online casino support consultant
Owner/editor of TVSA
, a South African television portal.
The rest is all in the Smoke columns themselves or lost forever in a thousand bottomless pints, along with any memory (and hence accountability) of what may or may not have transpired.
If you've arrived on this page because you're upset about something you read on the site my sincere advice would be to just let it go. Life's too short to be inflamed with outrage at the opinions of some dark bastard on the Internet you've never even met.
It may be all-consuming right now but will it matter 20 years from now? If not, then make like The Beatles and just let it be.
There's no Contact form on this site, largely because I don't want to be contacted. I don't have the time it takes to respond, much as I would like to.
But if you really, really need to get hold of me, triumphantly brandishing your "cease and desist" order, then hop on over to TVSA
and use the Contact form there.
It requires you finding it, registering, confirming your registration, finding the form again then actually using it, so if you can get through all that you'll have earned your audience with me. You shall be permitted to kiss my ring.
Otherwise thanks for stopping by - hope you had a laff. If not, you were probably the target of my ambient rage. My condolences to both of us.
To make yourself feel better simply tell yourself you're a much better person than me. You'll a) be right, b) feel good and c) finally be able to reproduce that magnificent erection your wife last saw back in the summer of '69.
By this stage you either loathe me, like me or couldn't be arsed, which would make this the appropriate time to stop writing, upload this page, exhale deeply and disappear sideways into the night.
About the Smoke
All Smoked Out,
Cape Town, South Africa